Queen's Park - Natural Resources Minister David Orazietti appeared shaken earlier today as he announced an abrupt change to Canada's first proposed Invasive Species Act. More invasive than the Asian Carp, he explained, or the Longhorn Beetle and the Zebra Mussel combined, is the dangerous creature known as the Hudakian.
Orazietti confessed he had been under pressure from unions on the matter, but after consulting with many organizations and doing some soul searching himself, the minister had come to the same conclusion. "While invasive species pose a threat to our economy and our environment," he explained, "the Hudakian Sting poses a threat to mankind itself."
Currently, there is no known anti-venom to combat the fatal Hudakian Sting, and within 10-20 minutes, “the soul is literally sucked out of the human body, much like a Dirt Devil vacuum.”
Scientists are working around the clock to develop a repellent that is strong enough to fend off the deadly Sting yet safe enough to use on human skin. But so far none of the repellents have been successful. Whoongalooloo, a special anti-venom flown in from South Africa and that has been effective in treating cases of poisoning from the deadly cobra, proved completely ineffective against Hudakian Sting poisoning. “We treated six Hudakian patients with extra doses of Whoongalooloo but each case had the same result: a sucked out soul and a frozen brain.” So far the Hudakian is responsible for 1390 sucked out souls and frozen brains across Ontario, most of them PC Party card-carrying members.
Asked if there might be a connection between finding a treatment for the Hudakian Sting and the Harperitosis effect on Canada’s scientific community, the Minister chose not to answer, calling an abrupt end to his news conference.
In the meantime, news stations have been replaying Oraziettie's message to the public, urging them to remain indoors until further notice. "Please, please, for your own safety, stay in your houses, people! But if you must go out, we strongly advise that you avoid wearing flip-flops, sandals, or an open-toed shoe of any kind. And stay off your cell phones! 911 Emergency Services will not be responding to any Hudakian related calls, until we can find a cure."